Class 3 - In Terror of 0

     Monday's class was entitled "Meditation and The Ground of Being - and it felt as if, by the end of the night, all 15 of us had fallen into the Ground of Being; reluctant to move from the stillness that emerged.  When we finally did "emerge," it seemed as if my self-consciousness had faded away, for I felt "embedded" in an inter-subjective field of consciousness.  Awakening to this, I felt more fully my-Self; more "real," as if there was an "I" no longer bounded by the limitations of self consciousness.   It even felt like a higher "We" was present.  
      Throughout the evening, we discussed meditation as a fundamental practice of Evolutionary Enlightenment.  Within the context of this enlightenment, meditation is more than a profound experience of depth.   Rather, letting go into the Ground of Being, can serve as a springboard by which one can awaken to the Authentic Self.     Further viewing meditation, as a practice of "letting everything be as it is," we listened to a guided meditation, "Having Nothing."    In it, Andrew Cohen speaks about meditation as a metaphor for enlightenment - for living a liberated life.  He says, "in letting everything be what it is, we must give up our attachments to being someone, knowing something and to particular objects that make us feel significant."  
      For some people, meditation comes easy - for me, that wasn't the case.   At first, I couldn't sit still for more than five minutes, for I was constantly  getting caught up in the movement of compulsive thinking.  Now, after 4 years of meditating, it can still be, at times, a tortuous experience.  But, why, if falling into the ground of being is so deeply satisfying, does meditation need to be such a struggle? I thought further about this in light of the perspective of meditation as "having nothing, knowing nothing, and being nobody."  Indeed, after a life dedicated to being somebody and getting somewhere, letting go at the deepest level, of the sense of who I am seems terrifying.  Yet, who is the "I" (self) that is terrified? -- Certainly not the Authentic Self or the "I" who has tasted the bliss of the Ground of Being. 
    Rather, it appears that the "I" who is terrified is none other than the "I"   as Ego who I have mis-identified as "me."   To the Ego, or illusory self, losing the bubble of self identity from which I peer out at the world from, seems like death.   In light of this, my resistance to meditation, is nothing but "me" as Ego.  Denying the Ground of Being itself, makes it possible to go on living as who my conditioning  tells me I am - a personal separate self sense, who is the judge of meaning in the world.  Whose fears and desires are real and who must, as Andrew says, surround itself with particular objects that make me feel significant.  
    So, I see that when I struggle with meditation it is a struggle for the right reason.  I meditate to remind myself that I am not a prisoner.   I mediate to encounter the truth of who I really am - inherently free.  I also, again and again want to be able to taste the groundless ground that is the source of my own deepest Self, so that I never forget that it is who I am.  
     Part of our goal for this course is to build a culture between us.  After tasting that ground together with fellow journeyers on Monday night, I sensed that the culture developing between us was deepening.